By Netta Reads
A big change is happening in an economy that is becoming more and more affected by automation and AI. Algorithms are taking over the skills that used to be important, like raw efficiency, technical know-how, and top-down authority. What is left, and what is becoming more and more valuable, are the things that make us human: our ability to connect, understand, and inspire. Welcome to the time when people are the most important part of a job.
Your success is no longer based on what you know, but on how well you can connect with other people. This is true whether you are a manager leading a team, a designer creating a user experience, a doctor talking to a patient, or a salesperson building a relationship with a client. Two of the most important skills for the 21st century are empathy and social influence.
A lot of people get these ideas wrong. They think of empathy as a “soft skill,” which is a passive, good feeling. They think of influence as a “power skill,” a Machiavellian way to get what you want. But this is a big mistake. These two skills are not only related in the modern workplace; they are also linked in a way that cannot be broken. Real empathy is the only thing that makes all real and lasting social change possible.
This guide will show you not only the “why” but also the “how.” We’ll look at how empathy and influence work together, and then we’ll get into a hands-on “Empathy Gym” to help you build your basic skills. Finally, we’ll talk about how to use those skills to have a positive, ethical impact on others.
The Symbiotic Relationship: Why Empathy Is What Makes Influence Work
Power that comes from a title or position is weak. It expects people to follow the rules, but it doesn’t often get them to do so. When you’re watching, people will do what you say, but they won’t come up with new ideas, offer their best ideas, or go the extra mile. But influence that is based on empathy is strong and lasts. It makes people follow you because they trust you and feel safe with you.
Here’s why empathy is the most important part of real influence:
Empathy Builds Trust: Trust is the most important thing that influence is all about. You validate someone’s experience when you show that you really understand their point of view, their pressures, and their goals, even if you don’t agree with them. This act of trust-building builds a bridge. Your ideas will never get to the other person without that bridge, no matter how smart they are. They will stay on your side of the chasm, unheard and unwelcomed.
Empathy Makes People Feel Safe: An empathetic boss or coworker makes it so that people can be open and honest without fear of being judged. This psychological safety is what makes creativity and working together possible. People are more likely to be influenced when they feel safe. They will listen to new ideas, be honest about what they don’t know, and share their thoughts without worrying about being judged. Fear grows in a place where people don’t care about others, and fear shuts down the part of the brain that is open to change and persuasion.
You can’t really change someone’s mind if you don’t know what really drives them. Empathy helps you understand what they want. A manager who uses authority might give a generic bonus, not realizing that what the employee really wants is more freedom or public praise for their work. You can see what’s really going on by using empathy. You can get someone to work with you on your vision by framing your requests and ideas in a way that fits with their intrinsic motivations, such as their desire for mastery, purpose, or connection.
The Empathy Gym: Four Exercises You Can Do to Improve Your Basic Skill
You don’t have to be born with empathy; it can change over time. It is a muscle. And just like any other muscle, it can be strengthened on purpose and in a planned way. You need to work out in the “Empathy Gym” on a regular basis to put your ideas into action.
Here are four exercises you should do on a regular basis:
Exercise 1: Active Listening 2.0 (Listen to Understand, Not to Answer)
While we listen, we usually think of our own answer. We’re waiting for a break so we can jump in with our own story, solution, or counterargument. This is listening to respond. Listening with empathy means listening to understand.
The Technique: The next time you talk to someone, your only goal should be to understand their point of view so well that you could argue for them. Don’t give in to the urge to interrupt. When they stop, don’t jump in. Instead, use one of these prompts:
“So, if I understand you correctly, the main problem is…”
Ask questions to make things clearer: “When you say it felt ‘frustrating,’ can you tell me what was going on at that time?”
Recognize the Feeling: “That sounds really stressful.”
This exercise makes you pay attention and shows the other person that you are listening.
Exercise 2: The Practice of Taking Other People’s Perspectives
To feel empathy, you have to use your imagination. You should try on other people’s shoes on purpose before you get into a high-stakes situation.
The Technique: Take 10 minutes before your next big meeting. Write down the names of at least three other people who will be there. Answer these questions for each name:
What do they want to get out of this meeting?
What kinds of stress do they have at work or in their personal lives right now?
What do they fear the most about this project?
What would a “win” look like for them?
This easy exercise gets you to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others before the conversation even starts.
Exercise 3: The Talk About Curiosity
Empathy is driven by curiosity. If you stop judging and start being curious, you can start to understand. Changing the questions you ask is a strong way to do this.
The Technique: For one week, stop asking yourself “Why did you do that?” “Why” often makes people defensive because it sounds like you’re judging them. Instead, ask questions that start with “What” or “How” that are based on curiosity:
“Why is this report late?”
“What were some of the problems you had with this report?”
“Why don’t you agree with this approach?”
“Walk me through your thought process” is a good way to start. What parts of the approach worry you the most?
Exercise 4: Reading the Room (Getting Used to Body Language)
A lot of human emotions are shown without words. People who are empathetic are good at picking up on the small changes in tone, posture, and expression that show what isn’t being said.
The Technique: Start by doing this in low-stakes situations. Watch a conversation from a distance while you’re in a coffee shop or other public place. Don’t try to hear the words; just watch what happens. Who’s leaning in? Who has their arms crossed? Who is lively and who is quiet? This “reading the energy” practice will help you pick up on the non-verbal information that is always present in your professional interactions.
From Understanding to Action: How to Use Empathy to Make a Difference
You can start to turn that understanding into moral and effective social influence once you have a strong base of empathy. It’s not about manipulation; it’s about connecting and making things together.
Use “We” instead of “I” in the frame.
Use what you’ve learned from your perspective-taking practice to frame your proposals around common goals and benefits for everyone.
“I need you to finish this project by Friday so I can present it.”
“I know we’re all under a lot of pressure to make this launch a success.” If we can finish this part by Friday, our whole team will be in a great place for the presentation next week. What kind of help do you need to make that happen?
Technique 2: The Strength of Recognition
Always check the other person’s reality before sharing your idea. This shows that you’ve been paying attention and that you respect their point of view, which makes them much more open to yours.
“I completely understand why you’re worried about the budget.” You are correct to say that we don’t have a lot of resources, and that is a real problem. With that in mind, I’ve looked into a few options that I think could have the effect we need while staying within that budget.
Technique 3: Tell Stories with Emotion
People think with logic, but they act with emotion. Use your ability to understand how other people feel to write stories that connect with their values and feelings.
Don’t just show your team data on a new, more efficient process if you know they’re feeling burnt out. Tell a story about how a team like yours used it and how it helped them get their evenings back and feel more energized at work.
The Last Word: It’s a Journey, Not a Destination
You can’t just check a box to show that you have empathy and social influence. It is something you do for the rest of your life. In a world that values speed and productivity, taking the time to listen and really see the person in front of you is a radical choice. But this is the very thing that will determine how well you do in any job that involves people.
This is not a soft skill. It is a must for strategy. It is the most human work you can do, and that makes it the most powerful. Choose one of the Empathy Gym exercises and get started today. The world needs more leaders, designers, and people who work together who don’t just tell others what to do.
